So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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