you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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