i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
