sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
