the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
