and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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