I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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