3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
