gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
