I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
