just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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