I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
