I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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