My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
