last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
