Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
