I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
