Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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