When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
