i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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