I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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