between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
