Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
