If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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