I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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