Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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