She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
