Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
