I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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