I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
