I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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