Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize