we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
