Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize