I wish I could teleport
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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