I heard we made out
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
