My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think I won the penis lottery.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
