Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
