This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
