They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
