I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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