I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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