I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Be still, my beating vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
