masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
