I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
