he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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