someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
