i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
