Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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