I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
did you just send me my own nude
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
