Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize