Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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