for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
