Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
