Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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