1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
